


The Dilemma

by ISweepy



Category: Bring Me The Horizon, Josh Franceschi - Fandom, Oliver Sykes - Fandom, You Me At Six, bmth - Fandom, boyxboy - Fandom, fransykes - Fandom, ymas - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:46:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 14,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26880916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ISweepy/pseuds/ISweepy
Summary: Blood shot eyes and the outline of ribs.T R I G G E R  W A R N I N G





	1. 1. Tinder Date

"Josh!" Dan screeched, stumbling over unpacked boxes and running to Josh, who stood in the bathroom fixing his hair.

"Yeah?"

"Someone liked you! On Tinder!" Dan shoved the phone in front of Josh's face. Ever since Josh's last breakup, Dan had been constantly on his ass about getting with someone. At least a one night stand. So, he made a Tinder acount for his friend. Half of it was bullshit, things Dan made up to attract other men, but the effort was.. sweet, and the idea of getting with another guy any time soon was unlikey, but a nice thought. So Josh went along, not really paying attention and barely scrolling through the list of guys. Personally, he found the whole idea of dating apps hurtful. It could murder someone's self esteem, not that Josh had much of one left anyway, and he felt bad every time he brushed past a guy. Like, he didn't know them. Maybe they were extremely sweet and caring, but all he saw was a short bio and a picture.

The man who had apparently liked Josh's photo, was undeniably cute. His blond hair fell over the side of his head, and nobody could say his smile wasn't adorable.

"What's his name and bio?" Josh asked, looking back at the mirror as he tried to apply contour. Just a bit, judr enough to make him look appealing.

"Matt Kean," Dan confirmed. "Favorite food: peanut butter. Sexuality: pansexual. He has two cats-"

"Like him," Josh ordered. "He likes cats, like him back."

Dan chuckled. "Okay." He played around with the phone, until he handed it to Josh. "He started a conversation. Work your magic, Josh."

Josh scoffed but took the phone and retreated to his room.

Josh and Dan had recently moved in together after college. Their house was a mess, as they were both too lazy to unpack and absolute shit at taking care of anything. So his room was simply a mattress and a few posters. Josh laid down on the stained but comfy matteess, opening up the chat with Matt.

'Hey' Matt had texted.

'Hi!'

Was that too much? Fuck it, Josh had already sent it.

'What're you doing?'

'Laying on my bed, messaging you. Hbu?'

'Baking cookies'

'Ooooh, send me some!'

'Well.. I was gonna ask if you'd wanna hang out sometime- And y'know, we could have dinner. Cookies included, if you'd like'

'Sure! I'm free nearly everyday, except Mondays. What date and time?'

'I'm free Thursday around five'

'Five pm on Thursday it is. What's your address?'

'5935 Santari Drive'

'Okie dokie! See you then'

"I have a date!" Josh shouted.

"Oh my god!" Dan squealed, jumping up and down by the doorway. "We have to celebrate! Where's the cake?"

"You're just looking for an excuse to eat the cake you bought two days ago," Josh scoffed.

"Shhh."

And so they had cake.

~_~_~_~

"Does this make my ass look big? How about this? Would this be good? Fuck, did I put on the concealer right? Do I have acne? Dan-"

"Relax," Dan assured Josh, putting his hands on Josh's shoulders. "You look fine in your current outfit, the makeup is on perfect and you. Are. Beautiful. Now go out there and kiss some sexy ass."

Josh grinned. "You're the best friend I could ask for."

"Aw, I know."

Josh kissed his cheek before fixing his denim jacket and sighing. "Alright, I'm going to do this."

"Damn right you are." Dan sniffled. "My baby's growing up, now go!"

Josh chuckled and rushed out the door, waving at the car parked outside. He slid inside, internally sighing when he confirmed it was Matt in the car, not a middle aged man or the wrong person.

"How are you?" Matt asked as he began driving.

"Great, you?" Josh smiled and glanced at the other man.

"Good, now that you're here."

Josh giggled, clasping a hand over his mouth at the noise. He hated his own laugh, or smile. But Matt smiled.

"Well, let's get home, then, I have a dinner prepared."

Matt's house was large, to say the least. It looked like the mansions you see in movies. Paved cement paths through a garden-like area. Water fountains on either side with bushes and grass. Josh was gaping at it the whole time. He suddenly felt embarrased. Here he was, a broke kid fresh out of college, while Matt was just a few years older and seemingly had his whole life together.

Matt took Josh's hand, leading him inside the large home, where Josh was met with a welcoming smell and a large front area. He was led to another room, the dining area. A table for two was set up with an arsenal of foods that made Josh drool. The smell was compelling.

"This is.. wow," Josh murmured.

"Well, come along, let's eat."

Josh took his seat across from Matt and immediately the two dug in. Halfway through, Matt was giggling at Josh.

"You have chicken on your chin," he pointed out, leaning over to wipe it off.

Josh was suddenly self concious. Fuck, had he been eating like a pig? The food was delicious, and he'd eaten it so fast. Now worried, he ate slower. Matt was rich, cute, and had the aroma of a buisiness man that didn't find messy eating cute.

"Tell me a bit about yourself," Matt said.

"Well.. I just got out of college, I majored in film and art.. I'm living with my friend Dan in a apartment. It's um, nice." He smiled lightly. "What about you?"

"My father was the CEO for a company, and he passed a few years ago leaving me with everything you see. I haven't really thought about what I want to do with my life," Matt explained.

"Well, I'm sure you'll find it," Josh said with a smile.

"I'm sure I will."

Matt's finger tips brushed over Josh's, making Josh choke on his food and blush while he looked away. Matt smiled sweetly, taking Josh's hand.

"Cute," he said.

"T-Thank you?"

Matt chuckled, stood, and reached his hand out for Josh to take. Josh stood and followed Matt outside to the balcony. The stars were out, as was the moon. A forest sat to the right, where Matt's lawn covered the rest of the scenery.

"It's beautiful," Josh murmured.

"That it is." Matt turned to face Josh, pulling him closer. His head was screeching while the familiar blush reached his face the fourth time that night. Matt carresed his cheek, before leaning in and kissing the other man.

It didn't take long for things to get heated, and no doubt was Matt in the mood. Josh couldn't complain. A cute guy, a big house and a really good kisser? A year after he broke up with a long term boyfriend? Niave and desperate for someone to like him, Josh was wrapped around Matt's finger, putty in his hands, while he was pushed into the bedroom and fucked however Matt preferred.

In the morning, Josh awoke to a pain in his lower half. He remembered all of last night, and blushed, lifting the blanket over his mouth and giggling quietly. A guy liked him! He went on a date with him!

Matt was standing by his desk shirtless in sweatpants, arranging something. "Goodmorning," he muttered to Josh. "Your clothes are over there, I'll arrange a ride home for you."

"O-Okay," Josh nodded. "I'll see you again?"

"I'll text you," Matt confirmed with a nod.

Josh grinned. "Okay." He got dressed and stood outside in the morning sprinkle as a car pulled up and drove him home. All the while Matt was in his mind while he smiled.

Maybe he wouldn't be alone forever.


	2. 2. Beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know how to use italics here, please enlighten me
> 
> with that being said a few things, like the characters thoughts, won't be in italics like normal so it may look awkward in which case i'm sorry

His first time was at age fifteen. At that time, he thought he could regulate it, and he could. But the risk was there and he fell into it's trap, like nearly everyone.

It wasn't really peer pressure. They were there, they offered him some, and Oli said yes. Not because everyone else was doing it, he felt no need to be like everyone else. But rather, the idea of feeling numb, or on top of the world, had always been enticing.

Thing were relatively fine. At the time, Oli had a good amount of friends and while some wouldn't hesitate to spread rumors about him if the chance arose, the majority were close knit. His family was caring, and no problems were caused in that area. No, it wasn't life, necessarily, but himself. He despised himself. Moreso, his sexuality.

The mere thought of kissing a female made his stomach clench. No, absolutely not. It was undeniable his attraction to males. He hated that, though.

At first he just didn't understand it. A boy, liking another boy? Since when. Boys like girls, and girls like boys. Right?

So he asked his friend. Religious friend. Who told him all about the vile acts of 'the gays' and 'the lesbians.' Oh, and bisexuals, whom said friend believed couldn't exist, because "you can't like both genders."

So, searching for another opinion, Oliver went to the well known pastor of the local church. He said the same things.

Needless to say, once Oli realized he was one of these people, he was absolutely disgusted with himself.

"You're disgusting, you're a fag, you're going to hell, you're a disgrace. Oh my god, can't you just kiss a girl? Is it that hard? Get over yourself."

He was fifteen when he was offered drugs and he accepted. And for the first time, while high off opiods, he felt free. He could regulate his consumption at first, he didn't get very bad withdrawl symptoms and he wasn't growing addicted, at first.

But then his best friend found out.

"You're gay?" Alan scoffed.

"What? No- Not at all! I-I was just- Um-"

"You so are." Alan started laughing. "Oh my god."

Oli bit his lip, forcing back tears.

"Oh shit, are you gonna cry?" Alan asked.

"What? No!" Oliver denied quickly. No, he was a man, he didn't cry. Even so, he turned and rushed away, because the tears fell and then he couldn't stop them. He couldn't stop the self hatred.

"Oli wait!" Alan called. But he didn't listen.

So he took more drugs, more and more because he needed to get rid of it. And then he lost control, and at seventeen he couldn't stop. He needed the drugs.

Oliver had dropped out of college. What was the need when making it to twenty one would shock him?

He was drinking, sitting on the couch of his shitty apartment alone. A torn tank top on and scratches on his arms from last night. His brother found him and took away his drugs. Through the pain of withdrawl and the overwhelming hate towards himself, Oli tore his skin apart. He remembered what he was, and told himself he deserved it.

Oli had forced his brother out and got more drugs. Now he sat drinking and high off his ass while enjoying the blissful feeling.

He couldn't keep a job for longer than a month before they fired him. "Can't work with a crackhead." But Oliver saw it as, "can't work with a gay."

Nonetheless, it was rather easy to find a new one. When people were desperate, they would take anyone. Including a drug addict, including a gay.

He had work in twenty minutes. No doubt they'd fire him when they saw hus state. Nonetheless Oli stood, threw on a jacket, brushed his teeth and walked out the door, down to the McDonalds he took orders at.

Just get through the week, Oli told himself.

He wouldn't call himself suidical, but then again accidnetally overdosing didn't sound half bad. And if a car came at him, he might not move. It was really all a matter of getting through the day, and if he lived, well, god damn. God must be hella sadistic watching him.

He arrived at the fast food restaurant, clocked in, and began working.

~_~_~_~

'Come over?' Matt texted Josh the first time that week, and Josh started squealing.

'Sure!'

'Alright, I'll send a car over to pick you up.'

Josh was a bit disappointed Matt wouldn't pick him up himself, but then again he must've been a busy man, and the fact he texted him in the first place made Josh stoked.

Josh said goodbye to Dan and got picked up, arriving at Matt's mansion within minutes. He was led in by his driver, while Matt stood in the front hallway.

Immediately, Matt attacked him in kissed. Josh smiled, letting Matt do as he pleased. Once again, he was a simple boy falling for someone who could easily break his heart. He was niave.

Matt dragged him to the bed.

~_~_~_~

"Gmornin," Josh mumbled next to Matt the next morning, cuddling into the other man's shoulder. Matt inched away, making a look of disgust.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Josh whispered and scooted away. He sat up as Matt left the bed to get dressed. "So what are we?" Josh asked.

"Uh, fuck buddies?" Matt answered as if it were obvious. At the look on Josh's face, Matt sighed. "Did you really think we were something? Josh - I thought it was obvious I only meant a quick fuck every now and then. I don't do relationships."

Just a quick fuck. Of course, that was all Josh was. A quick fuck, because he wasn't actually beautiful, or funny or appealing. He was simply a place for another guy to put his dick in. He was simply a toy.

"Oh."

"Don't be sad, now, I just thought-"

"It's fine Matt," Josh assured him. "I'll go home." With dead eyes, Josh stood and got his clothes on.

"I can arrange a ride home for you-"

"Don't bother." Josh was out the door, walking home in the rain.

"How was date number two?" Dan asked excitedly as Josh entered the building. But recognition crossed his face as he saw the look on his best friend. "What did he do? Do I have to beat him up? I can go stick my foot up his ass-"

"No, it's fine." Josh chuckled, trying to force a smile. "Can you uh, get me some laxatives from the store?"

Dan raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"I have really bad constipation," Josh mumbled, looking down.

Dan chuckled. "Okay." He put a reassuring hand on Josh's shoulder. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

Josh nodded. Dan left after grabbing some money. Josh went to the bathroom staring in the mirror.

Matt didn't like him yet, but Josh would be beautiful soon enough.


	3. 3. Soup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't know what to name the chapter so it's soup and looking back at it makes me cry i'm so proud of myself

People stood idly by, anxiously waiting for the bus in the subway.

Two men stood there, beside the other, unknowing of everything that would happen between them.

Oliver stared straight ahead, a dead look in his eyes. He hadn't bothered fixing up his look. It was plain to everyone he was either a drug addict or insane.

The bus was heard roaring closer. He was right in front, easily he could jump in front. It wasn't a terrible option, but not there. Just make it through the day, right? That was his motto. Just get through today. Day by day. Although that's easier said than done.

The bus came, stopping Oli's chance at an unexpected public death. He boarded, the shorter blue eyed man following behind him.

He hadn't even acknowledged the man's prescence until he sat beside him. Taking a closer look, the boy had slight bags under his eyes, and he seemingly tried to put a nuetral, I'm okay, act, but it was clear something was up. His lip quivered suddenly, so he bit it roughly.

Oliver frowned. The poor guy. Whatever was going on, Oli wanted to help. It wasn't like him. He gave no shits about anyone or anything and resumed his day. The only thing he cared about was the high of drugs and forgetting what he was.

"Hey, you alright?" Oli asked the man softly before he could second guess it.

The man jumped, looking at Oliver. "U-Uhm, yeah." He flashed a smile, but Oli recognized it all too well.

"You sure?" Oli pressed.

"Yes!" The man hissed, his glare soon softening. "Fuck, I'm sorry, I'm just- I'm fine, really."

Oliver nodded, pulling out a pen and his notebook he wrote in occasionally. The majority of it was nonesense, really. A mix of poems and lyrics, him expressing everything the only way he could.

He wrote his number down and tore the page out, handing it to the man. "If you uh, ever wanna talk, here."

The man, hesitant, took the number with a blush creeping on his face. "T-Thank you," he mumbled shyly. Oli nodded, smiling softly. The man looked away, covering his face with his oversized sleeves. Oliver swore he saw a giddy smile on the man's face. Before he could allow himself to call it cute though, he was digging into his palm to quiet his thoughts.

You're not gay. That's a sin - that's terrible.

He wasn't even religious, yet it got to him. That it was a 'sin' in the eyes of a large group of people. That he was supposedly going to hell for liking the same gender as himself, that he was disgusting.

Because really, he agreed.

He was a fuckup. Look at his life, himself. He fucked it all up, because he wanted to feel numb.

The bus stopped, Oliver got off and walked into McDonalds, beginning to take orders.

~_~_~_~

"I'm hungry!" Dan whined. "Make me food!" He stomped his foot.

"You're such a baby," Josh groaned. "Spaghetti or soup?"

"Soup! Chicken noodle soup!" Dan cheered excitedly, clapping his hands.

"Okay." Josh shrugged and began cooking the soup over the stove. He set a bowl on the table while he waited.

"Aren't you going to have some?" Dan asked curiously.

"Not hungry," Josh answered with a shrug.

"You haven't been hungry all week." Dan was getting suspicious, slowly picking up on the increasing habits of his friend.

"I have been, actually. Just not when you're around."

"Eat," Dan ordered. "Otherwise I won't!" He crossed his arms, pouting.

"Dan, I just said I'm not hungry." Josh tried to hide the defeated, terrified look in his eyes, but he did not want to eat.

"Please? I'm worried about you, Joshie. Evee since you got home from that date you've been off," Dan pointed out with a sigh.

"If I eat half this soup will you get off my ass about something that isn't happening?"

Dan nodded eagerly, going back to his giddy attitude. "Let's eat!"

And so they did. Josh ate the soup with Dan, cleaning the dishes quickly after and going to the bathroom saying he would take a shower.

He turned on the sink and locked the door, sitting in front of the toilet. He'd looked up how to make yourself throw up, but as he stuck two fingers down his throat all he could do was choke out spit and snot.

"Come on, please," Josh whined as he fought back tears. It was already there, overwhelming, the feeling of the soup he'd eaten. Pulling his stomach down, making him fat.

Can't even throw up right, wow.

So he didn't throw up that night. He flushed the toilet, washed his mouth, turned off the sink, and sat in a ball against the wall.

So he ate that day, but he'd do better tomorrow. He'd tell Dan he had dinner with his sister when he'd go out and get more laxatives. He wouldn't eat the rest of the day. He'd be out of the house as much as he could, so Dan wouldn't notice he wasn't eating. He'd go for runs, he'd lose weight.

Josh wouldn't do it forever. He just wanted to be skinnier. It was all under control.


	4. 4. Oliver

The night was cold, although it was early December. December first, to be exact. Josh had been jogging since five, and it was now seven. He didn't want to stop, just a bit longer.

He hadn't texted the man from the train station yet. It seemed too awkward. Maybe soon, though.

Josh stopped outside a conveince store, deciding to pick some things up before heading back home. Some laxatives, mainly, as he'd nearly run out of his previous stash.

Though, as he rounded the corner, he came across his biggest vice.

Chocolate.

Nope, nuh uh, he would not. But they were there, taunting him.

So he left the store that night with laxatives, a box of chocolate, chips and a sandwhich.

It wouldn't hurt to eat a bit, right?

Josh left the store and, to his dismay, had to go through an alleyway to get home. Unlike those in horror movies he had the common sense to stay in the public eye, especially at night, but if he didn't go this way it'd be an extra hour and Dan would undoubedtly be suspicious.

So he cut through the alleyway. He was already halfway through when someone grabbed his hand.

Josh flinched and spun around to meet the stranger.

A taller man towered over him. Josh grew small under his gaze and could only imagine his intentions.

"Hey there, what're you doing?" The man asked. His voice was deep, honey like, but Josh could hear the sinisterness behind it.

"W-Walking home," Josh answered quietly.

"I could give you a ride," the man offered.

Nope, sir, I am completely alright walking by myself and without a stranger, Josh thought.

"No," he squeaked. "I-I'm alri-ight, walking by myself."

"Oh, come on now." The man's grip tightened on Josh's hand, slowly going up his arm. Josh tried to pull away but to no avail.

"L-Let go of me!" Josh hissed, struggling against the man's grip.

"Hey!" Oh thank fuck. Another man appeared, standing beside Josh. "Hey honey, how are ya? Is this guy bothering you?" The man slung his arm over Josh's shoulder.

Honey? Well fuck, why not play along.

"Hey babe. Not at all, he was just leaving." Josh ripped his arm from the man's grip and followed the stranger down the alleyway.

"Thank you," Josh whispered. "I-I don't know what he would've done if y-you hadn't came just then." His voice cracked as he fought back tears.

"Hey," the man said softly. "Don't think about that. It's okay." He pulled Josh into a hug, that Josh accepted gratefully by burying his face into the man's chest.

When he pulled away, he recognized the stranger's face. "You're from the bus station," Josh murmured.

"Yeah, I guess I am. My name is Oliver, though."

"Josh. Thank you, again, for uh, saving me," Josh chuckled.

"Anyone would've done that, or should've. Whatever, I'm just glad you're safe. Text me, though, and don't be afraid to call me again if you think you're in danger." Oliver smiled, and Josh's lonely heart fluttered. It was fucking adorable.

"Y-Yep! I-I will!" He waved as Oli began walking away and turned to continue walking home.

It would be a long night. Of food, tears, and sitting by the toilet.

~_~_~_~

'Goodmorning' Oliver recieved a text the next morning.

'Is this Josh?'

'Yep! How are you?'

How was he? Hung over, dreading work the next day, and about to text hus drug dealer.

'I'm good. You?'

'Great, now that we're talking' Oliver blushed. Josh had been so cute the two times they met, but he hated that he found guys that way. Cute.

'Aw. You weren't great before?'

'I was okay'

'Why simply okay?'

'My friend is being an ass'

'Oh, friends are annoying that way. What was he on about?'

'Nothing. He's just concerned about me so I told him to fuck off. Oh well. So what are you doing?'

'Laying in bed, about to get up. You?'

'Making breakfast for said obnoxious friend'

'Ohh, you a good cook?'

'Only the best'

'I'll have to try it sometime'

'Mm, is that a date?'

Oliver's breathing hitched. A date with a guy?

'Who knows. Do you want it to be?'

What was he doing? Oh god, what was he doing?

'Well I don't know. If you want. I don't know'

'Aw, you're flustered. We'll just have to hang out and see, in that case'

'Okay!'

'Well I have to run an aron, talk later'

'Nice talking to you Oliver'

'Same to you, Josh'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mkay so-  
> josh is 5'9-5'10 and oliver is 6'2


	5. 5. Fat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ones hella short  
> i do that a lot  
> enjoy

His thighs. Dear lord, Joshua despised his thighs.

He wasn't begging for much, right? He didn't want a thigh gap necessarily, but he didn't want his thighs to be so.. big. Yet they were and seeing them made him gag.

Goodbye shorts, apparently.

Jeans, constantly. Ocasionally sweatpants, but shorts and leggings were forbidden.

He stopped eating. As much as he could, at least. At one point Josh tried to stand but felt himself sway. He considered the option being his lack of food consumption, but the idea of eating food just to keep his body functioning didn't appeal to him. Food didn't appeal to him.

It did. The smell of pork or McDonalds was enticing, especially in Josh's hungry state, but the aftermath? Absolutely not. He felt so terrible. His stomach was bloating and it was so clear how much he'd eaten. How fat he was.

So Tuesday night he stood in front of the mirror, completely naked, crying.

He'd spent hours searching for an outfit to wear the next day, but everything looked terrible on him. He looked terrible.

Everything he saw was disgusting. Whether too fat, imperfect, or plain ugly. Josh couldn't find a piece of him he tolerated.

Shoulder's too broad, arms to skinny, thighs too fat, stomach too big, squishy cheeks, double chin, imperfect teeth, acne, wide hips.

Crying, stating everything he hated. The list went on and on.

There were four reminders on his phone that went off everyday. His goal weight was written on it, reminding him not to eat in case he forgot. Which usually didn't happen, but it did the first few days of his "fasting diet" and he quickly wrote them down.

You're hungry but this is for the best. You're losing weight, a few more pounds and you'll look better.

Maybe not perfect, never perfect. And maybe never fit his standards of simply good, but tolerable. If Josh could look tolerable in his own eyes then maybe Matt would take him back. Or Jordan. Maybe men wouldn't simply use him for sex, they'd see him as a fucking human being.

Maybe.

That night Josh went to bed in sweatpants and a sweatshirt, wiping away the tears.

Maybe.


	6. 6. Serene

Serene. A word Oliver learned when he was eleven, sitting through language arts. A word that fit perfectly to his state, his area. Serene, he was serene.

He was laying in a field, the grass blowing in the light wind. Flowers assorted throughout the area. On either side of him were mountains, large moulds of dirt. He was, technically, at the bottom of a cliff.

Clouds, short and puffy, rummaged through the blue sky. No particular shape, just.. there. Existing, as was Oliver. He was existing with the field, the cliff, nothing of importance or rarity, nothing of rememberance. It was all nothing. It was only existing and breathing and letting it all sift away like words washed away in a page. It was all nothing and everything, breathing and suffocatimg, living and dying, it was serene.

Alas, such bliss could only last so long before somethg ruined it. Because everything good was ruined, everything beautiful was told it was ugly, everything kind was told it was vile.

Oliver's field was ripped from him in an instant when he was shaken awake by a familiar face.

"Hello? Are you okay?" The panicked voice asked. Blinking to clear his vision, Oliver saw Josh staring down at him worriedly. "Thank god you're awake, I thought you were dying."

If only.

"Oh, I'm fine. What're you doing at the park in the middle of the night?" Oliver sat up, rubbing his bloodshot eyes. Thank god for the dark, otherwise it'd be obvious how high he was.

"I could ask you the same thing," Josh countered, crossing his arms and pouting. And god damn, it was cute.

"I fell asleep here," Oliver answered simply. "How about you?"

"Going for a jog."

"At eleven PM?"

"I lost track of time," Josh sighed.

"Okay, well uh, want me to walk you home?" Oliver offered, still paranoid for the other man's safety after last time.

"Sure." He could swear he saw a blush creep on Josh's face in the dark.

Josh helped Oliver up, and as they walked away they never let go of the others hand, but neither noticed, neither cared. It was the first time Oliver had ever been remotely intimate with another guy, and it was okay. At least, until he was saying goodbye to Josh and alone to think over the events of that night.

Although, still high, he couldn't care less. He was exhausted and more focused on passing out in his shitty apartment. He had work tomorrow and had to pay his bills soon, he couldn't risk being late again and getting fired.

So home it was for Oliver.

~~

"Where the hell were you?" Dan hissed at his friend once Josh stepped inside the room.

"Jog," Josh replied simply. "Ran into a friend and stopped to get some things."

"Where are those things?" Dan questioned accusingly.

"They were for my friend."

"Bullshit." Dan grabbed Josh by the wrist and spun him around before he could walk away. Although now his gaze and tone wasn't angry, but concerned. "You don't jog for three hours. Josh, what the hell's going on?"

"Nothing!" Josh ripped his hand from Dan's grip. "I said I ran into a friend!" He sped away into his room, slamming the door.

He was fine. He was excersizing, he was on a diet. It was fucking fine.

Just a bit longer. He had to lose weight. Maybe that was why Dan was arguing with him all the time, he was trying to find a reason to kick Josh out because he didn't want to live with a pig.

No, no he was being irrational. But what if?

Hiding under his pillow, Josh grabbed the bottle of laxatives and took two. Only two, he didn't want to over do it. You were supposed to stop taking them after a week, or at least consult with a doctor. But the rememberance of his paranoia with Dan, and the want to speed the process, Josh took another.

It was okay. It was under control.


	7. 7. Morals

"What's a good person?"

"Depends. What do you think a good person is?"

"I don't know."

Oliver didn't know what a good person was, and that scared him for no reason and every reason. It also terrified him to think, question, believe, that he was a bad person. And whatever the definition of a bad person was, it scared him shitless to question if he really was just a list of terrible things, terrible people. Was he a terrible person? Selfish and impulsive, a complete waste of space and time? No real purpose but to fuck up people's lives as an inconvience?

Oliver was an inconvience. A fucked up person others were forced to take care of because he couldn't do so himself. Did anyone really care for him? Was it all pretend and make believe so Oliver, the poor tainted soul, could feel just a bit better? The few people that cared (or pretended to) could play hero for a bit and take after the junkie with a list of problems kept inside that racing mind.

Oliver didn't know what a good person was, but he was convinced it didn't exist. No one was good. Maybe a little innocent, young and pure, but everyone was selfish and whole world was destined to fall apart. Humanity was one huge project doomed to fall from the start. They signed their death warrant. They dug their grave abd refused to lie in it, but no one can run from death.

And in a world where everyone is fucked, everyone is terrible and there is little good, what's the point? Oliver didn't want to live in a world like this.

But there's a little friend that plays in all of this, and he likes to rip away the one escape you have so you have to live with life even longer. He goes by Fear, and he's a fucking bitch.

And for Oliver, he was the reason he was alive, that and in a way, there was still the smallest part of hope left in him.

So Oliver was forced to put up with the world, with people and a terrible destiny, and himself. Oliver could live through anything but being around himself. If anything was strongest, it was Oli's self loathing. His slobbiness, his house, job, sexuality, and what he ran to to get away from the self loathing: drugs, and his addiction to them.

Sometimes he'd hope he took too much, just enough to have him close his eyes and not wake up. But he couldn't grow the courage to deliberately do so, Oliver never really did.

Yes, fear was an absolute bitch.

But so was humanity, and the self loathing and sub list of said self loathing, and to add to the list of bitches, there was Oliver's infatuation with a particular man he'd run into more than once.

Before he knew what he was doing, Oliver had agreed to hanging out with Josh the next day. It was never clarified the terms of their 'hanging out.' Josh could easily see it as a date, which made Oli retch. But Josh was straight, right? Totally, they were just two guys hanging out like friends because that's what they were - friends.

The next day at two PM Oli met Josh at the park in the best outfit he had; a black beanie, light gold sweatshirt and jeans. His sneakers were worn in and torn a bit, but the best he had. He forgot to shower, but hoped Josh didn't notice the smell or obvious bags under Oliver's eyes.

But Oli noticed the slight outline of cheekbones on Josh, which were growing more noticeable each time Oliver saw him. Josh wore a long sweatshirt that went over his hands and jeans.

"Hey, good to see you," Josh greeted him.

"Yeah, you too," Oli mumbled. They synced in step and continued through the park in silence, neither knowing what to say but finding the silence a bit peaceful, nice.

"So how've you been?" Josh started conversation after a long overdue moment of silence.

"Good, you?" Oliver kept it short, not in the mood to speak of himself - but when was he ever?

"I've been okay. My friends trying to get me out in the dating world, again."

"Again? Something bad happen before?" Oliver asked before he could think, biting his lip afterward. That's personal, why the fuck did you ask that?

"Oh, you know, just an annoying ex and guys using me for sex when I had no idea that was what they wanted," Josh explained bluntly, shrugging as if it were no big deal and placed no effect on him.

"A-Are you gay?" Oli asked quietly.

"Yeah. Is that.. gonna be a problem?"

"N-No!" Oliver flushed. "How did you.. y'know, come to terms with that? Your sexuality and all?"

Josh shrugged. "I kinda just did. I realized as a teen I never truly liked girls but guys could be pretty hot, and uh, yeah. I accepted it pretty quick - fortunately. Though it takes awhile for others.. How about you? What's your sexuality?"

"I-I um- I'm uh, kinda, questioning."

Josh nodded, and they continued walking in silence.

It's how their evening went, walking, smalltalk, and knowing each other just a bit more.

Oliver went home, and for the first night in weeks, fell asleep without trouble or the need to get high first. Because seeing that man he'd taken a small infatuation with brought the smallest bit of comfort that there was some sort of good, somehow.

Though everyone can disappoint.


	8. 8. Essen

Silky brown hair that ran down his face so perfectly, intricate brown eyes that made the common color so unique, a rare smile that lit up the entire world. Here Josh was, getting hung up over a man again, like a lovesick girl. He would only break his heart, it was all they ever did, but couldn't he dream? That one day someone would love him for what he was, a fucking human? Oliver could be straight, though, or aro. In which case Josh had no chance with him. No matter what, Josh had no chance. Look at him, the flaws were evident, everywhere. You barely had to look.

Whether his chance with Oli was 100% or -400, Josh continued to think about him. Anyone could easily see it as a crush, as much as Josh hated to admit it as such.

There was something more about the tall man, though, more than his undeniably beautiful features, or mysterious, yet fun, personality that slowly opened up as the conversation went on. He seemed so.. dead. The stench he held was evident once Josh had walked closer to him, but he learned to put up with it. But the bags under his eyes. When had he last slept, and for how long? Did he even really take care of himself? He seemed skinny, just slightly underweight, which Josh couldn't help but envy. He was so.. perfect. Josh didn't need perfection, really, but just to improve, in the slightest.

They both saw the problems with the other, the few signs that something wasn't right, and as okay as they made it out to be, but both were too blindsided and drowning in their own self pity and loathing to do much, at least not yet. And that probably played a role in their eventual fall, in their unhappy ending.

~~

"Josh, we are going out," Dan declared, his demeanor stating he would not take 'no' for an answer.

"Where?" Josh glanced up from his phone, taking only mild interest in Dan's plans.

"A restaurant."

Josh's stomach turned. He couldn't say no, Dan wouldn't take that and his suspicion would only rise. But if Josh said yes he'd have to eat, and the mere thought was daunting.

"Could you give me a few?" Josh pleaded quietly. Sighing, Dan nodded and left the room.

Now alone, Josh lay staring at the ceiling. He hadn't the ability to get up, suddenly. He just wanted to lay there and let everything overtake him, because the idea of simply sitting up was daunting.

So instead Josh wasted his time getting ready staring at the ceiling in distaste, until Dan was dragging him down the stairs of the apartment complex and to their car.

"I have a friend, him and his brother are coming along. Be civil, alright?"

"You? Friends? What did I miss?"

"Oh fuck you!" Dan playfully smacked Josh's shoulder.

It didn't take long for them to arrive at the Olive Garden, Josh internally judging their taste as he assumed they'd be going to a facnier restaurant. Although, it played out to his benefit in the end. He hadn't changed in days, and wore a ketchup stained black sweatshirt that covered his shorts.

But Olive Garden's lack of 'fanciness' and Josh's lack of a formal outfit was cast to the side when he locked eyes with a familiar face.

"H-Hey Oli," Josh murmured, suddenly nervous.

"You know him?" Dan questioned, happy at the idea of his friend talking to other people and not being the introverted hermit he was.

Josh nodded shyly.

"This is- uh, my brother, Tom," Oliver introduced Josh to the other man standing beside him.

"Nice to meet you," Josh greeted with a nod.

"Well, with that out of the way, let's eat, I'm hungry," Dan declared.

"You're always hungry," Josh teased.

"I'm Dan Flint, or course I'm always hungry."

~♡~

Josh hastily picked at his hashbrowns while Tom and Dan engaged in a conversation they seemed too invested in, considering it was about whales. He was just happy Dan was focused on that, rather than Josh's "lack of apetite."

"You gonna eat?" Oliver whispered to Josh, not wanting to interrupt the heated discussion his brother and friend were having.

"Not hungry," Josh mumbled with a shrug.

"Well, you're becoming a stick, just a few bites."

"I'm not hungry, is that a crime?"

"Please? For me?" Oliver stuck his bottom lip out, tilting his head lightly. He was too cute to resist, to Josh's dismay, and Josh took a bite out of his uneaten meal.

Oliver grinned. "Thank you, finish half of those hashbrowns," he ordered, going back to his own meal.

Josh sighed, not arguing but not agreeing either. He continued picking at his food while Oliver wolfed down his own.

"What's so interesting about killer whales anyway?" Oliver questioned, referring to Dan and Tom's ongoing discussion.

Josh shrugged. "Dan adores them, like, he has a giant killer whale plush and if anyone insults them in any way he will assault you for months."

"How did you two become friends?"

"I have no fucking clue." Chuckling, the two finished their meals (at least, Oliver did, while Josh threw pieces on the floor and said he'd eaten earlier), and left the restaurant before Dan pulled them into the conversation, asking them their opinion.

They sat against a curb in the cold night air waiting for the other men, neither up for making conversation.

Oliver pulled out a cigarette. "You mind?"

"Not at all," Josh shook his head.

Lighting it, Oliver put the cigarette to his lips and inhaled.

"So how are you?" Josh asked.

Oliver choked, pulling the cigarette away and blowing out the smoke. "What?"

"Uh, how are you?" Josh repeated.

"No one really asks me that," Oliver mumbled, not intending for Josh to hear, although he did.

"Why not?"

"I uh- I'm not too close with anyone, n-no one really cares, and they don't have to," Oliver explained in a rush.

"I care," Josh frowned.

The man was full of surprises, at that point, and everything he did enticed Oliver and he hated it, but loved it all the same. And hey, someone cared, that was a first, and while terrifying it was also relieving to know not everyone saw Oliver as an unimportant fuck up as he did.

"W-Well thanks, I guess."

"You gonna answer my question, then?" Josh prodded. "How are you?"

"Oh- I'm fine, I'm great." Great at being terrible. "How are you?"

"Good," Josh said with a smile, studying Oliver's face and unintentionally staring at his lips longer than neccasary.

"Alright, you introverted fucks, we finished our debate," Dan declared now appearing suddenly. "We've come to the conclusion-" He looked at Tom expectantly, who sighed.

"Killer whales are not- killer, they're safe, friendly animals."

Dan grinned. "That's right. See you two later, come on Josh."

Waving goodbye to Oliver, Josh stood and rushed over to his friend.

"Well, good to see you making more friend than me." Dan sniffed, wiping away fake tears. "My baby boy is growing up."

"God, you're so dramatic," Josh whined. "Bring me home, I'm tired."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so again i don't know how to use italics on this app but the majority of this chapters is flashbacks, but it starts off as such and there are little breakaways. i'll put // before and after flashbacks

//It was out. His dirty little secret was out to all of his friends. Alan, the big mouth, couldn't keep a secret. Now they all knew, they all stared in shock at Oliver - their gay friend.

Jack was the first to speak. "You're gay?" He scoffed, the disgust evident in his face and voice.

Jack was the first person Oliver went to about his predicament, the first person he went to for everything. Jack was Oliver's closest friend, but his parents were heavily religious, sending their beliefs down to Jack.

"You're going to hell." With that, Jack walked off, as did Rian, and Lee, the whole group dispersed, leaving Oliver alone.

But he deserved it, right? For being a fag, of course no one wanted to be around him.

So he straightened up - quite literally. Got a girlfriend, forced himself through the kisses and holding hands with someone he held no interest in. But what hurt most was how clearly in love with Oliver she was, all the while Oliver lead her on to believe he completely felt the same.

No, he didn't love her. Didn't feel anything for the pretty brunette other than a good friendship. Maybe if Oliver had gone to someone different, learned a different view on his sexuality, him and the girl would simply be that - friends. But instead all he knew was that he was vile, terrible, he was going to hell if he continued to have the attraction for men he had, and he couldn't get rid of it. It ate him away like a pack of wolves.

"I love you," she said cheekily.

"I love you too." It was routine, Oliver was so used to saying it, so why was it still so hard?

"I've been thinking, what if.. we took things a step further?" She mumbled, tracing his chest.

"Is that what you want?" No, please don't be what you want.

"I mean, if you want to as well." Her lips ghosted over Oliver's.

"Anything for you."//

~~

Another line. He couldn't stop. Maybe he'd taken too much, but was that so bad? The feeling was just so addicting, and no matter how much Oliver took it wasn't enough.

Sighing, he laid back on the mattress and let the high overtake him.

~~

//"We have to break up," He spat out.

"What?" Her broken voice whispered as his words sunk in.

"We- I- We can't be together anymore," Oliver reiterated just as quietly.

"Why? Is this about what Jack said? You're gay?" She confronted.

"What? No! I'm just not into you, anymore. I'm sorry I just-"

"Save it," She cut him off. "You don't need to lie to me, or yourself. It's fine, you just led me on. I fucking loved you. But it's fine, right?"

"Queeny-"

"You don't get to call me that," She spat. "Not anymore."

And she left, like everyone else. Because Oliver could simply do that - fuck everything up.//

~~

Gasping as his eyes shot open, Oliver relaxed against the mattress once more. He was supposed to forget. It wasn't supposed to make him remember. This wasn't right.

Another line.

~~

//"What the hell is this?!" Tom asked angrily while holding up Oliver's bag of cocaine.

"U-Uh-"

"You're doing drugs?"

"No! I don't know where they came from, I-"

"Save it." Tom left the room and down to the bathroom, dumping the powder into the toilet.

"Stop it!" Oliver shouted, trying to grab the empty bag from Tom's hand, but it didn't matter. The drugs were already being flushed down while Oliver fought back tears.

"How did it start?" Tom asked once they were sat down on the couch and the two had coffee in their hands.

"A friend offered, I accepted," Oliver explained briefly.

"They peer pressured you?"

"No. They offered once and I said yes. I wanted to."

"Why?" Tom asked, genuinely curious.

"I wanted it all to go away; I was desperate for an escape."

Tom stared pitiful, opening his mouth to say something but only sighing.

"Don't give me that look," Oliver spat. "I don't need your fucking pity."

Tom nodded, glancing away. "What did you want to go away?"

Oliver didn't answer. Tom didn't know his brother was gay, or that Oliver hated that trait about himself. Oliver didn't want him to know, he didn't want Tom to see him as an even bigger disappointment.//

~~

//Fag, sinner, disgusting, liar, monster.

He was fed up with it.

"Shut the fuck up!" He screeched, pulling at his hair.

Standing, Oliver stormed out the door, ignoring Tom, who stood confused by the door holding a limp piece of pizza.

"Oli? Where are you going?"

Oliver, once out of the house, broke into a sprint until he was outside of Jordan's house.

He pounded his fist against the door until it flung open.

"Oli? What the hell are you-" He was cut off with Oliver's lips as he was pushed against the wall. It was what Oliver wanted for years, what he choked down and pushed away in disgust. But not anymore. And it felt so, so right, and so, so wrong. Their lips molded together, the two lost in the heated, angry kiss. Both left breathless and horny.

So Jordan pulled him to bed, and Oliver complied, even if in the morning it would all come crashing down.//


	10. 10. Ferris Wheel

As if his mind had predicted the events about to unfold, Oliver remembered his one night stand with his teenage-best friend just before a knock on his door woke him up.

Standing, he was met with diziness that took him a minute to get over. Fuck, he needed to eat. It was easy to forget simple tasks like eating when you were hung up on feeling numb.

Oliver stumbled through his cramped apartment, grumbling he'd be there in a moment to the stranger pounding on the door.

"Yes?!" Oliver growled, losing his voice as he saw, well you couldn't have guessed, Jordan.

"Wh-what the hell are you doing here?"

"Could I.. come in?" Jordan asked.

"Fine," Oliver grumbled and motioned for the other man to come in.

Jordan walked around, taking in the state of Oliver's apartment, which wasn't a good one. Hesitantly, he sat on the torn leather couch.

"How are you?" Jordan asked softly.

"Wouldn't you like to know," Oliver mumbled. He sat across from Jordan, as far away from him as he could get, and angrily sipped on his coffee.

"Why do you hate me?" Jordan snapped, losing his calm demeanor. "What did I do? Was it what we did? Because you initiated that Oliver, out of nowhere, and we were sixteen-!"

"Don't remind me!" Oliver yelled. "Don't remind me," he repeated quieter, his voice was weak and fragile; like a scared child.

"I- I'm sorry," Jordan mumbled. His hand lightly touched Oliver's knee, but drew back when the other man flinched. "What's going on, Oli? Are you still taking those drugs?"

Oliver scoffed. What did it look like?

Jordan sighed. "You have to quit. I can help, if you want, and the rest of the guys. We miss you man."

"I don't need help," Oliver hissed. "I'm a perfectly functioning adult."

He wasn't, though. He could barely keep a job, forgot the last time he ate or showered, his house was more run down than him, and he forgot what actually living felt like. The drugs were the closest he got to that, a high school friend wouldn't take that away from him.

"You can't keep pushing people away-"

"Screw off. Just, fuck off. If I needed help, I'd ask for it. And I wouldn't ask you." Oliver stared in Jordan's eyes as he spoke. He didn't mean it. Jordan was a good guy, a good friend before Oliver fucked it up like everything else, but at the moment he'd say anything to be alone.

"You know where to find me," Jordan muttered.

And then he was alone. And it was so much worse.

~_~_~_~

A dull ache settled in the back of his throat. Snot coated his fingers and lips while Josh sat over the toilet, trying desperately to throw up the Arby's sandwhich he'd previously eaten.

So he'd been eating more the past few days. He was just so hungry. He'd been meaning to fast again that day, but Dan came home with Arby's and Josh couldn't resist the smell of the roast sandwhich.

Now he sat, whining, as nothing came up but snot and small pieces of his samdwhich.

I'm such an idiot, why didn't I just not eat it? It's that simple!

Sighing, Josh fell back and reached for the toilet paper, wiping the snot from his fingers and mouth, and reaching for water to soothe his aching throat.

He'd gotten so close, but he still couldn't do it.

He wouldn't eat the rest of the day, and fix his mistakes by not eating as long as he could.

Just glancing at his thighs made his stomach turn.

What if I think I look skinnier than I am?

Josh stared in the mirror, his eyes glancing over his tired face, arms, stomach, legs.

That had undoubetdly become his most hated part of his body. His legs; his thighs. Anytime he wanted to eat he'd look at his thighs.

Sighing, Josh flushed the toilet and walked out of the bathroom.

"You okay?" Dan asked from the living room.

"Uh, yeah?" Josh shrugged and plopped down next to him.

"You sounded like you were throwing up in there," Dan pointed out with a knowing look.

Oh, fuck. "Oh, I just have a little cold. I thought I would, but uh, I didn't," Josh explained.

"Uhuh." Dan went back to his game, leaving Josh in silence.

'hey, u free?'

It was from Oliver, thirty minutes ago.

'All day almost everyday. Wanna hang?'

'sure. where u wanna meet?'

'I'll pick you up. Where do you live?'

'an alleyway with the rats'

'Haha so funny. Where'

'i'm serious. me and vic are eating cheese right now'

'I- give me your fucking address'

"Where you going?" Dan asked as Josh slipped on his coat

"Hanging out with a friend."

Josh reached his car and drove to pick Oliver up. He knew the apartment building, knew it wasn't on the richer side of town, but didn't know it looked that bad. Maybe it was just the outside. You can't judge a book by its cover, right?

Although, the moment Oliver opened the door to his apartment and Josh caught a glimpse, he realized it was worse on the inside. At least for Oliver's room.

"Hey, uh, sorry, let me grab my wallet," Oliver mumbled. He returned a moment later and locked the door behind him. "Sorry, my apartment isn't in the best shape right now."

"It's okay," Josh assured him with a smile. He'd nearly forgotten about it, just happy to be in Oliver's prescence. There was something about him that just made Josh happy.

"Well, where are you taking me?"

"That's for me to know and you to find out," Josh said smugly.

He took Oliver to an amusment park.

"Okay I know it's stupid and date-like- not that this is a date or anything!" Josh sputtered out. "I-I just, uh- I-I saw it in an ad and I thought, w-why not take a friend? I-If you even consider me a friend I don't know-"

"Josh, it's fine," Oliver chuckled. "It's cute. Let's go."

"Okay!" Josh led them inside, insisting he pay for the two's tickets.

"Wanna go on a ride first? Steel Venom maybe?" Josh offered.

"U-Uh, I'm a little hungry. Food first?" Oliver hadn't mentioned his fear of heights and rides that moved extremely fast and the only thing promising your safety was a buckle and a pole if they decided it was needed.

"Oh, uh, sure!" Josh's voice was unsure, but followed Oliver nonetheless.

"Panda Express?"

"If you want." They stood in line, Josh unintentionally leaning into Oliver to keep his tired body upright.

"Watcha want?"

"I'm not hungry," Josh murmured. "You can just get yourself something."

"Are you lying to me?"

The confrontation made Josh's stomach drop. "N-No. I had an Arby's sandwhich earlier."

"Okay," Oliver muttered.

He ordered his food and sat on the cement with Josh. "Want some?" He held up his fork that had impaled a piece of broccoli.

Josh scrunched his nose. "Ew. Broccoli."

Oliver scoffed. "I'm offended. Broccoli has required nutrients and is actually very delicious!"

"Yeah when you shove salt and pepper on it," Josh muttered. "Panda Express broccoli is shit."

"Oh my god." Oliver's jaw fell open. "Did you just insult Panda Express and broccoli?"

"Yes, yes I did," Josh said matter-of-factly.

"We can't be friends anymore."

A blush made it's way onto Josh's cheeks. "We're friends?"

"Yeah..? I thought we established that."

While happy to have made a friend other than Dan and it be Oliver, there was a part of Josh that was.. disappointed.

"O-Oh," Josh murmured.

"Well, I'm nearly done. What's next?"

"Mmm, the Ferris Wheel!" Josh squealed at the sight of the large circular ride.

"Okay," Oliver chuckled and pulled Josh up.

They boarded their seats, Oliver across from Josh, as they began to ascend. Oliver bit his lip nervously while Josh stared out at the late afternoon sky in awe.

"We're reaching the top," Josh said happily. Oliver's face dropped, but nodded.

They stopped abruptly, their cart shaking. Oliver gripped the metal, looking down.

"Are you okay?" Josh asked softly.

"Mhm," Oliver whimpered. "I-I'm scared of heights," he admitted quietly.

"Oh fuck, I'm so sorry! I wouldn't have taken you here if I'd known!"

"It's not your fault. It's uh, nice, once you get over the height."

The two waited patiently to go down, but they never did. "Are we stuck?"

Josh glanced down, watching a group of staff down below working on the controls.

"Oh my god, we are." Noticing Oliver's distress, Josh made his way to his seat and wrapped an arm over his shoulder.

"We'll get down alright, don't worry," he assured him.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Oliver nodded, his eyes glancing down.

"Hey, no looking down." Josh pulled his head away. "Eyes on me, Mr."

Oliver blushed and nodded, staring at Josh. It wasn't hard to do, in fact it was harder to look away. Josh had the most enchanting eyes, and he couldn't help but glance at his lips.

Oh my god, what the fuck are you doing?

A ferris wheel, the sun setting, stuck at the top, staring at Josh. It was the perfect scene for a stupid romance Oliver could scoff at. It was perfect, and so terrible at the same time, because it was with Josh, a boy, that he couldn't help but stare at and find him beautiful.

Thankfully, the ferris wheel started up again, saving Oliver from a kiss that would be so perfect yet ruin his friendship. He pulled away from Josh, letting the awkwardness take over.

"Well, that was fun," Josh murmured as he stopped outside of Oliver's apartment.

"Yep, sure was," Oliver agreed. "See you later." He saluted to Josh without second guessing.

Josh giggled, repeating the action. "Bye, Oliver."


	11. 11. Rehab

Everything was a haze of colors and illusions. Oliver didn't really know what he took, only that it was "the good shit" (according to a drug dealer he didn't know quite well) and he was desperate for something.

Josh was a constant thought. Something about his blue eyes, his wide smile and laugh, enticted Oliver to no end. He was mysterious, there was something about the other man Oliver wanted, almost needed, to figure out. He was hiding something, big or small. Something was eating Josh alive and Oliver could see it, he just didn't know what it was, or how to confront him. Maybe he took such an interest because he was like Josh; something was killing him and all he could do was sit and let it happen.

Josh's eating habits were another thing. "I'm not hungry", "I already ate", were said whenever Oliver brought up food around Josh. But who the hell was he to pry? Some people just didn't have an apetite, some held secrets not yet to be shared. And that was okay - for the most part.

It was all that ran through his head; Josh Josh Josh. Which led Oliver to reaching out to a random drug dealer near his area with shit to sell.

He didn't know what it was, didn't care much either. The high was his main focus, getting rid of his jitteriness and cravings, and the repetitive thoughts of Josh, who just so happened to be of the male gender.

Why was Oliver gay? Had he done something? Was that why God made him the way he was? Why did he have to have this burden? Why did he have to be so disgusting? Why, why, why?

Why was Oliver still breathing?

"Shut up, shut the fuck up," He muttered to himself, wiping his runny nose on his dirty hoodie sleeve.

Searching through the contents of remaining drugs, he found a tiny paper like object. Acid. He'd only heard others talk about it, but never used it himself. It lasted hours, and the trips could either go terrible or fucking insane.

Finding it worth the risk, Oliver put the paper on his tongue and felt it slowly disolve. After a few minutes, the effects still hadn't settled in and, growing impatient, Oliver set another tab on his tongue and felt it too disolve. Within another ten minutes colors started appearing everywhere, he could taste the sounds of birds chirping outside and his foot tapping on the broken floor. The cracked coffee table in front of him began to move, as if dancing, shrinking and enlarging.

An overwhelming sense of fear and paranoia crept in, as if someone was watching Oliver. He began to shake, wrapping his arms around his body as he heard laughter all around him; people critizing him and his choices, his sexuality and friends, his addiction.

It was what people thought of him, anyways, right? Everyone knew him, The Gay Kid.

"No, I'm not gay."

"Face it, Oliver. You are. You're just a fag. Stop trying to fit in."

He was a fuckup, a disappointment, an addict, a fag. What purpose did he have? Who gave two shits about his existence?

Tom, Jordan, Josh. It was all pity; it had to be. "Oh, poor guy. Least I can do is pretend to like him."

He was burden on everyone.

The walls moved, colors swayed, the table continued its dance, and the people laughed. They laughed at Oliver, huddled over choking on sobs.

He reached for the table, his hand missing it as it shrunk beneath his grasp, but clenched onto the wood and searched for whatever was left of his new stash.

Maybe something could make it stop. Something new could give him a better trip.

Or maybe something could make more than the trip stop, something could make his heart stop.

He took it all, or as much as he could as his hands shook and his vision swayed. Until he was laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling and watching his vision fade.

Oh, what bliss.

~_~_~_~

"Oliver, Jesus fucking christ Oli, what the hell were you doing?" A broken voice sobbed. Oh dear god, it was bright, and loud, and something was down his throat, and his body was on something, something soft, and something was beeping.

Oh shit.

"It's okay, he'll be alright," Another voiced soothed. Oliver's eyes unwillingly fluttered open, squinting under the bright gaze of hospital lights, and glanced at the two familiar men sitting by his bed.

Tom was shaking in Jordan's arms, his face covered in soaked sleeves. "Did he do it on purpose? How did it get this bad? I should've stopped it- I should've told someone-"

"None of this is your fault," Jordan cut in. "He's gonna get help."

"I just want my brother back."

Oliver's heart broke. He made that much of an impact? Fuck, what the hell was he thinking? Tom, how could he do that to Tom?

"I'm sorry," Oliver tried to speak, but it came out gurgled as he noticed the tube down his throat letting him breathe. Nonetheless, his failed attempt was heard, as Tom and Jordan perked up.

"Holy shit," Tom breathed. "Oliver."

Jordan called in a nurse, who, after taking notes Oliver could only wonder what about, took out the tube and handed him a glass of delicious looking water. Who knew the required-to-live liquid could taste so good?

"How are you feeling?" The nurse inquired after Oliver's throat had been revived.

"Fine," he mumbled, surprised at the sound of his voice.

"Do you remember much of what happened?"

"I took acid.. and..," Oliver trailed off, sifting through broken bits of memories. "It was a bad trip, so I.. took more drugs."

"We talked with your brother and friend, and we're sending you to a rehab center," the nurse explained softly. Oliver's head shot up, worry written all over his face.

"Rehab? I don't need to go to rehab."

"Please, Oli," Tom whimpered. His brother's tear streaked face and broken voice tore Oliver apart.

"For how long?"

"A month is the required minimum, but depending on your cooperation will determine if you need to be there longer," the nurse explained. "You'll go there within a few days. We'd like to keep an eye on you for a day or two."

Oliver grunted quietly, shooing the nurse off.

"This is what's best," Jordan said. "You need help."

"No I don't," Oliver denied stubbornly.

"Can you put your pride away for one second and admit you can't do this on your own? You could've died-"

"Well maybe that's what I fucking wanted! That's what everyone wants!"

The room was silent. The damage done, the confession said, the pain in all of their hearts evident.

"I'm so sorry Oli," Tom whispered. "I should've known, helped-"

"Don't blame yourself, for fucks sake," Oliver hissed, maybe a bit too harshly.

"I don't want you dead, at all. Nobody does."

"I'm such a burden. You shouldn't have to put up with me."

"If I didn't want to put up with you, would I go out of my way to bring you out to dinner with my friends? Check up on you every week? Drag you home when you go out drinking?" Tom snapped. "You're my brother, Oliver, all I want is for you to be okay. But you have to put in the work for that, and admit you aren't."

"I'm sorry."

"Make it up to me and get help."

"Okay."


	12. 11. Rose

The past two weeks, Oliver hadn't responded to any of Josh's texts. He hadn't even seen them, apparently. And when Josh went to see if Oliver was home, the apartment was empty. Worried for his new friend, Josh asked Dan for Tom's number.

'Hey, Tom? It's Josh, Oli's friend. Where's he been the past couple weeks? I'm worried'

'it's not exactly my place to tell you, but he'll be away for awhile. another two weeks, at least'

'Oh, okay'

Was he okay? Did something happen? Was Oliver avoiding Josh?

No, this probably had nothing to do with himself. Josh needed to calm down and just wait it out. Oliver was probably perfectly fine, he'd be back in a couple weeks.

But Josh couldn't help but wonder, where was Oliver? Vacation? Tom said it wasn't his place to tell, it couldn't be vacation. Something personal. Had Oliver done something? Illegal, maybe? Oh god, was Oliver in jail? Or worse, did he hurt himself?

For fucks sake, he had to stop worrying. He was fine, Tom said he'd be back soon. Josh could ask Oliver then, and hopefully get a real answer. What mattered was that Oliver was okay, at least he was made out to be.

What if Oliver was in a coma?

"Josh, I can literally hear you thinking," Dan whined. "Is this about Oliver?"

Josh nodded weakly, earning a sigh from his friend. "We're going out. Get your things." Dan set his things down and stood by the door, waiting.

Not wanting to bother his friend further, Josh hurried along and followed Dan down to their car sheepishly. He didn't know where they were going, and he didn't exactly want to go anywhere, but he complied in going into the mall with his friend.

"I'm getting food, you go and shop.. or some shit," Dan shooed off his friend and stood by the McDonalds.

"Didn't you just eat?" Josh questioned.

"So? I'm hungry." Dan shrugged.

Something Josh could easily envy; despite always being hungry and indulging in that with plenty food and especially junk food, Dan retained a slimmer figure. While Josh was deseprately trying to lose weight and eating less than half of Dan's daily consumption.

Pushing it aside, Josh walked off into the large mall, passing by stores he took no real interest in. He never really liked shopping, didn't see a point. You wasted all your money on objects you'll rarely use. The only time he went shopping was when Dan saw his wardrobe consisted of clothing from six years ago and dragged him to Macy's.

Shopping was impulsive. Oh, what's this? Oh, I've never heard of it before, but it looks cool. Mom! Can I get this? Please? Come on! Yes, of course I'll actually use it. Thank you! You're the best mother in the world!

And then you went home with an odd object you admired for a few days before throwing it in your closet, never to be seen again. Waste of money, space, and time, and went into one of humanities biggest problems: material, and always wanting more.

But that was a rant for another time, and while Josh sifted through stores, Victoria's Secret, Box Lunch, Hot Topic, Von Maur, he stopped at the flower shop.

In the windowsill, sitting alone amongst the dozens of beautiful boquets being boughten without second guess, was a white rose. Or what had originally been a white rose, but petals had fallen, as black and yellow stains dripped onto the remaining leaves. No one wanted it because it was stained and undesiarable, unsavable to everyone else.

Pulled from his thoughts, a worker walked up the flower sitting in its vase and pulled it out, ready to dispose of it until Josh called out, "Wait!"

The employee froze, flower pinched in their hands as they stared up at Josh. "Excuse me?"

"I'd like to purchase that flower, please," Josh said.

"You're sure?"

"Yes, of course." Josh nodded eagerly.

"Well, take it for free. It'll die soon enough anyways." The employee handed it off without second guess. Josh held the broken flower to his chest with a smile, admiring it as he walked back to Dan who was stuffing his face with chicken.

"Hey, I got you some food." He pointed his plastic fork to a black foam box. Josh's stomach clenched at the smells emitted when he opened it. The sight of the chicken and green beans almost made him drool, but he shut it quickly.

"Not hungry," Josh muttered quickly and pushed the box towards Dan, in turn stealing Dan's plastic water cup and set the flower in it.

"Ew, looks like the flower in Ariel," Dan muttered.

"Just needs some care, no worries," Josh said.

"You're crazy."

"Says the one who watches anime at three AM."

Dan chucked a piece of chicken at Josh, shaking his head.

"Just saying."

"Oh, fuck you."


	13. 13. Dinner

There was an awkward silence that filled the car as they drove away from the rehab center.

After a month, Oliver had been discharged. Things weren't exactly the greatest. He still desperately craved the high, hated himself with a passion, and hadn't yet come to terms with his sexuality. But he was a month clean, and intent on going as long as he could until he relapsed.

After he relapsed was what he stressed about. Would he just fall back into the same destructive addiction? All of this was for nothing. Or would he try and get back on his feet again? No, he still wasn't on his feet, never was. Before he was crawling, now he was kneeling.

"How was rehab, Oli?" Tom asked sheepishly. 

Oliver didn't answer, unwilling to talk about his time there.

"Are you hungry?" Jordan asked, taking notice of Oliver's slim figure. He looked far more healthier than before, but he was still unnaturally skinny and the bags under his eyes sunk in. When had he last slept?

"Not really," Oliver mumbled. He continued staring at the window distastefully.

He'd kept things vague in rehab. Only opened up when it was required to keep the same release date.

It was still enough, though, for them to prescribe him with antidepressants. To which Tom and Jordan would regulate his taking of. He was embarrased, though. His little brother had to see firsthand how fucked up he was. 

"Josh has been asking about you," Tom informed. Oliver perked up.

"Really? Did you tell him where I was?"

"No, that's for you to tell him, if you want. I told him you were coming home soon - he's really excited."

"Can we go see him?" Oliver blurted out. "Please?"

"I-" Jordan glanced at Tom, who shrugged. "Sure."

Oliver tapped his foot impatiently as they drove to Josh's apartment. He followed the other men to his room, knocking on the door nervously.

What would Josh say? What if he knew? 

The door opened, revealing a flour covered Josh. It coated his hair, leaving a white streak down the middle, and left white sploshes on his black shirt that seemed a little too big on his small frame.

"Huh- Oliver!" Josh squealed, pulling the taller man into a hug. "Where have you been?" He asked angrily, his voice muffled as his face was buried in Oliver's chest. 

Josh pulled away, dragging Oliver into the house and, ignoring the confused Dan, Jordan and Tom, sat down on the couch.

"How was your vacation? I need details. Cute girls, guys or enbies, whatevers your spice, uh- Meet any celebrities? Oh wait!" Josh sputtered and stood quickly, rushing away.

Dan snickered from the counter. "He's like a lovesick teenager, I swear to god. 'Oli this, Oli that'. I'm making dinner, you two can come in and sit down."

Josh came waddling back from his room, holding something behind his back with a giddy smile. "I got you something," he said to Oliver with a giggle. "This!" He held out the dilapidated flower, ever so slightly better after its purchase. 

"O-Oh." Oliver blushed, taking the flower from Josh's grip. "It's, uh, nice. Thank you." He admired the white rose, with its black and yellow dots, large spots missing petals. Yet, he still found it beautiful. Because it was, really, uniquely beautiful. Or maybe Oliver just loved it because Josh gave it to him.

Dan completed dinner, and the four of them ate the beans and potatoes together, discussing everything from Oliver's "vacation" (as Tom told Josh he was on) and whales.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy 2021


	14. 14. Therapy

It had been a month since Oliver got back from rehab and, to his surprise, he was still clean.

He'd made the unitentional habit of texting Josh whenever he had the urge, which was often. After awhile Josh understood what was happening, even if only a vague understanding and that being Oliver needed someone, and he was happy to talk to the other man for hours over the phone about nothing and everything.

There was a familiar feeling that grew in Josh's chest at the mere thought of Oliver, one he knew all too well. God damn it, he was supposed to be closed off, wary, not growing feelings for another boy that gave him a second glance.

But he couldn't help but anticipate everytime he'd see Oliver again, couldn't help but worry for his well-being, which led to asking how the man was at least once a day. Was he being clingy? Oh fuck, he was most definitely being clingy. 

'josh, u there?'

Josh jumped at the vibration of his phone, looking away from the show to respond.

'Yeah, how are you?'

'fine, you?'

'Good'

'what're you doing?'

Josh took a picture of the TV that played Orange Is the New Black and sent it to Oliver.

'oohh, fun'

'Yeah'  
'You free sometime this week?'

What happened to not being clingy, for fucks sake?

'yeah, pretty much all week. except wednesday- i have something around ten, anytime after though'

'Okay! Thursday then?'

'sure. time and place?'

'Uhh, park, three?'

It had become their place at that point; the park, three, whenever both were free.

'sure. see you then, <3'

Josh choked on air and began to squeal. A heart? Why? What purpose? What did it mean? Oh my god.

"Josh! Shut the fuck up!" Dan kicked the wall in the other room. 

Giggling, Josh continued his show.

~_~_~_~

Pen clicking, foot tapping, the AC, and the intimidating gaze of Ashby, the ginger therapist.

"You gonna speak?" Ashby inquired, lifting his feet to sit crisscrossed.

Oliver shrugged. Jordan had thrown out the idea of therapy, and without much say in it, he was signed up. 

"Tell me about Josh. You've mentioned him a few times."

Oliver stiffened. Josh?

"He's uh.. my friend," Oliver mumbled.

"What do you like about him?"

Everything.

"He.. He's considerate, and reasonable. Doesn't push things unless it's needed. He distracts me.. when I want to use again."

"That's good," Ashby commented. "It's good you're going to him rather than drugs. Does he know about the drugs and your time in rehab?"

Oliver shook his head. "He'll think differently of me.." The idea of Josh leaving him for his old habits tore at Oliver.

"I don't think he will, I think he really cares about you, y'know. What else?"

"His eyes are.. really unique. I mean, usually I think blue eyes are overated, or eye color in general, but, his are.. really pretty. And his smile is really cute, I-" Oliver paused, realizing what he was doing.

Oh my god.

No.

"I have to go." Without further discussion, Oliver stood and left the building. 

No, no no no he could not have feelings for Josh. That was wrong. 

The air was thicker, or maybe his throat was closing up. Whatever it was, it was harder to breathe and all Oliver could do was collapse against the brick wall and beg for it to stop.

His first idea was to call Josh, but that would only make things worse. 

"Jordan?" Oliver panted through the phone.

"Shouldn't you be in therapy Oli?" 

"Ended early. Please hurry," was all he could manage.

"I'm leaving now. Breathe with me, would you? In and out," Jordan directed - sensing Oliver's distress.

"Mhm," Oliver hummed. 

Jordan arrived, bringing Oliver to the car and drove him home. Oliver texted Josh.

'hey, sorry, im busy thursday. hang out another time?'

'Yeah, sure!'


	15. 15. Dan

His throat was sore, but Josh continued to stick his fingers down his throat and attempt to bring up what he'd just eaten.

Dan was on to him, so that night Josh was forced to eat. He didn't plan on throwing up, wanting Dan to believe him, but he had to. It was killing Josh, the feeling of that food in his system.

He didn't get far, though. Dan was soon prying Josh from the toilet.

"Let go!" Josh screamed. "Let go!"

Dan knew. Dan knew, after months, he had the proof. What would he do? Send Josh away? Make him eat?

He can't stop me.

"Shh," Dan soothed. "It's okay, J."

"It's not fucking okay! Let me go! Forget this happened!" Josh whined.

"You're right, it's not okay - you're not okay. But you need to calm down." He wasn't calm, he was far from calm, but his screams died down and Josh was left panting in Dan's grip. 

"Let's clean up and talk." Dan helped Josh stand, who wobbled at the sudden diziness. Concern consumed Dan, what was happening to his best friend?

Josh sat down by the kitchen table. Dan got him a class of water and some carrots and sat across from him.

"So," Dan began.

"So."

"So what the hell's going on?" His soft voice hardened into anger.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Josh shrugged stupidly, taking a sip of his water.

"I just saw what you were doing J! You're "never hungry," you throw up, you grow sicker by the week!"

"I'm fine," Josh argued adamantly. 

"For fuck's sake, you are not!" Dan couldn't be calm. He stood, knocking the chair over, and slammed his palm on the table. 

"It's not my fucking fault no one likes me!" Josh's hand slid, pushing the carrots and water off the table, but he didn't focus on it. "No, scratch that, it fucking is. Let me fix that! What, do you want me to be just a sex toy to everyone? Can't I look fucking tolerable?"

"God damn it Josh," Dan whispered, his voice weak. "You're fucking beautiful, there's nothing to fix. This will kill you."

"And where's the fault in that?"

Josh didn't mean it, not really. He didn't want to die, but he was angry and at the moment the world did seem better off without him.

"I'm not losing you Josh!"

"It's my fucking life, stay out of it!" Josh stood and rushed to the door.

"J, Josh where are you going? It's pouring." Dan tried to grab him, stop him, but Josh pushed him away.

~~

"Oliiii get the door!" Tom whined.

"You! You're closer!" 

"I'm playing Fortnite!"

"Fuck Fortnite!"

"For christ's sake, I'll get it," Jordan intervened, opening the door.

"Josh?"

Josh stood in the doorway, soaking wet in a tee and jeans. His tears blended in with the rain, only noticeable if you saw his bloodshot eyes and runny nose.

"C-Can I stay the night? I got in a fight with Dan."

"Of course, come inside." Jordan brought Josh to the couch, where, after pausing Fortnite, Tom moved over and stared at Josh worriedly. "Tom, go get Oliver and a fresh pair of clothes for Josh." 

"What happened?" Jordan asked after Tom left.

"H-He um.. We.." Josh's teeth clattered from the cold.

"You can tell me later. Would you like some hot chocolate?" 

Josh moved his head to say no, but nodded instead. Fuck it, he could treat himself after a night like tonight.

Jordan left to the kitchen while Josh picked at his wet nails.

"Josh?" Josh looked up, locking eyes with Oliver. He hadn't seen him in weeks, and the sight of the other man made him smile.

"Holy shit, come on, let's get you changed." Oliver pulled Josh into the bathroom, handing him a fresh pair of clothes. "I-I'll be outside."

Josh nodded, mumbling a thank you and shutting the door. He glanced at the toilet. I never finished..

His throat wasn't up for the strain, and he was far too tired, so he discarded his clothes and changed into the sweatpants and hoodie. He already felt considerably warmer, and cozier, as he stepped out and padded to the kitchen.

"How are you?" Oliver asked, handing Josh a cup of hot chocolate.

Josh hummed, not quite sure how to answer the questions. Exhausted, sad, and angry.

"What happened?" Jordan sat down as well, tapping his fingers on his knee.

"Um.. Me and Dan were having dinner, and things got heated, so I ran out."

"What were you two talking about?" 

"He was trying to.. help, with something.. and I got angry."

Josh was guilty, now. It wasn't Dan's fault, he was just worried. And now he was probably terrified, looking for Josh. No, it wasn't Dan's fault, it was Josh's.

It's always your fault.

"I'm sure you two can resolve whatever it is in the morning. I'll text him you're here," Jordan offered and stood to leave. Josh mumbled a thank you.

"What have you.. been up to lately?" Josh asked Oliver awkwardly.

"Um.. working out, seeing old friends and uh, working," Oliver murmured. And laying in bed for hours, because getting up seems pointless.

Josh nodded. "Sounds nice." He let a yawn fall from his lips, covering his mouth with the oversized sleeve.

"You tired?" Oliver asked with a smirk. Why was he so cute?

Josh nodded, rubbing his eyes. "I can sleep on the couch."

"No, no it's okay. You can take my bed."

Josh pouted. "I don't want to be a burden."

"No, you're absolutely not."

So Oliver tucked Josh in (per Josh's request) and took the floor. But the moment Oliver turned the light's off Josh squealed.

"Everything alright?"

"I-I'm scared of the dark," Josh murmured. "Can you.. l-lay next to me?"

Blushing greatly, Oliver got in bed beside Josh, laying on his back and staring at the ceiling. A small hand latched onto Oliver's bicep, until Josh was cuddled into his side and sighed in content.

"Thank you," Josh mumbled.

"It's no problem, sweetheart."


End file.
